Tonight I am unable to sleep. I used to have a tough time sleeping, but for the past month or so I have been sleeping really well. I’m not sure why I can’t sleep, but I think it might be because I am worried about things at work and in my personal life. I have a real tendency to feel guilty about the smallest things and anxious about things that will possibly never happen – the monsters under the bed.
Tonight’s sleep problems included meeting someone new, enjoying the conversation, but realizing I did not really ask them as much about themselves as I could have. I have a real problem with this because I like to keep my interactions light, and not pry. I hate it when I am with someone and they interrogate me. So I tend to not ask many questions the first time I interact with someone new and then beat myself up for it later wondering whether I was self-centered and rude.
I end up straining my brain and being unable to sleep because all I can do is think, think, think, and feel guilty about my inadequacies. That is my monster under the bed tonight. I know I can change the dynamic by changing my thinking and that is why I decided to write tonight – I am trying to shoo away the guilty feeling monster stuck inside my brain. Writing what I am grateful for, labeling my negative feelings, and hopefully coming to the understanding that the only one who probably noticed was me might help me move on. So here goes…
I am grateful for being alive and healthy, having a wonderful family who could survive without me because of how independent, happy and healthy that they are. I am grateful to live in a nation where I am safe and have the freedom to be who I am. I am grateful for my friends and the people I work with – they provide me with comfort, stability, and the sense that I mean something.
I am labeling my negative feelings – guilt at what I have done and what I have not done. Anger at myself for snarky comments and unkind thoughts. Embarrassment at how self-centered and childish I am at times. Anxiety over things that have yet to come and probably never will.
Guess what? I am already feeling a little better about myself. I’m not perfect I can only try to do better and strive to be “good enough.” Right now that is good enough for me. Goodnight monsters.